THE BOOK OF FACE

Well dear reader, it’s been a tough few months what with one thing and another.

I’ve been a miserable old so and so, to be honest, but helpless to do anything about it.

For reasons that I’m not going to go into on here, the time leading up to Christmas was particularly hard and Christmas itself was horrid.

What made it worse, was seeing all the happy family pics all over Facebook….seemed to rub more salty misery into the ever-open wound…..and if possible, what made that seem even worse, were the lies and hypocrisy surrounding some of them….

Seeing gushing posts from husbands and wives…when they are both on their umpteenth affair, for example….or when they post happy family pics despite the fact that theirs is a cruel marriage once the doors are closed…it all just became too much.

So I deactivated my Facebook account.

Yeah, I know…me.

But to be honest, I’d been getting more and more annoyed by it anyway.

I hate having so many ‘friends’ who I absolutely never hear from….but who can silently and secretly look at everything I post…I’ve deleted loads and still do, but it doesn’t stop.

Then despite having my privacy settings at their tightest, I hate the fact that random people (friends of friends) can comment on and see any posts I tag the mutual friend in.

Since losing Ross, trivial stuff like this doesn’t run like water off a duck’s back anymore…..it soaks in and festers.

Pathetic, I know….but there we are.

I went down to his grave, cleaned it and put his Christmas flowers and thought yet again how sad it is that I can only buy him flowers now….it’s not right on any level.

But I’ve finally started to see a chink of light again-thanks to the unfailing support and love of my friends and family, who are relentless in their attempts to keep me from sliding deeper and deeper into the black hole. They keep throwing me the ropes that help me clamber back up and for that I shall be eternally grateful.

I’m hoping to get back to work soon….I miss it so much….but turns out that there are only so many times that you can paint the smile on….and there was me thinking it was an endless ability.

I sold my business too, so that I would be free to go away more to entertain. I loved that little business…it took 4 years of blood sweat and tears to build it into a thriving little shop, but luckily, the new owner is carrying on in pretty much the same vein.

So I guess, what with one thing and another, it’s no surprise that I started to freefall.

I’m not sure if I’ll go back on Facebook yet….maybe…..but not until I’m strong enough to handle all the crap on there.

I miss my friends from away though….when people live so far apart, that’s the best bit of Facebook, to be able to keep in easy touch with friends all over the world.

The irony is, that some people won’t even know that I’m not on there.

Some people have a very warped concept of what friendship is.

I do not own any of the rights to this song

FRIENDS – BETTE MIDLER